Procrastination: The Trauma Connection
Did you know there's a connection between procrastination and trauma? Are you a perfectionist? It's a crazy triangle, my friend, and while we can laugh it off (and we do, don't we!?), the fact is, a history of sexual abuse or other trauma really can contribute to procrastination. Case in point: today is my writing day. My desk is cleaned off, and I even have fresh flowers in a vase nearby. There's a clutch of pens standing proud in their little coffee-cup holders, waiting patiently for my moments of inspiration. Even my laptop is open and ready to roll. But, all of a sudden I had to organize the pantry. And Google a bunch of not-writing-related subjects. Oh, hey! I know, let's throw in an extra load of laundry (it's hard to complain about that, but it isn't writing, and I'm supposed to be writing!). Then, I decided it would be kind to play with the cat rather than ignore him as I usually do when I'm writing. Oh, wait. I wasn't writing. I was supposed to be writing.
The point? Look at that face! Even the cat knew I was procrastinating. Again. Sometimes I think procrastination might be my strongest skillset. I am really good at it. I've learned that in blogger-world anything and everything is grist for the mill, so my tendency to distract myself for no good reason has now become the topic of a blog post on procrastination. And yes, this is relevant to the topic of sexual abuse and trauma. Really! It is!
procrastination and perfectionism
Here's the relevance: Procrastination is linked to perfectionism. Well, there's research indicating a link between perfectionism and histories of trauma and abuse. Abuse and trauma lead to shame, and that is the magic connection. See, it's not the trauma that creates the perfectionist, in the literal sense -- it's the shame. It's the effort to try and fix the problem (and the belief that the problem is me). Shame leads us to try and apply a solution to the outside that fixes and cleans up the inside. To always be better. We can become performance junkies, always trying to out-do the competition (me, myself, and I are the competition, btw). However, underneath all that "doing" is a hope that I can somehow become less unworthy if I could just get it right. Whatever the "it" is in the moment. And, whatever getting it right might look like. The bar keeps moving and the rules keep changing.
Shame Twists My Thinking
Therefore, even if I meet my external goal, say, writing 1,000 words today, my shame filter will twist my thoughts so that, rather than basking in a lovely sense of fulfillment and joy, I'll experience fleeting satisfaction coupled with a nagging sense of disquiet. My shame filter will pressure me to do better next time. Write more than 1,000 words this time. Or 1,000 words plus three photos. Maybe I should take a class and learn more about writing. Yeah, that could help do this better. (Not that I'm anti-taking-classes; I love taking classes.) But, do you see what I mean about the never-ending search for "better? If we have abuse histories, that search may come from shame.
The Shame Filter: Mental Sunglasses
Before we go on, I mentioned a shame filter. Let's clarify that. Simply put, when someone is abused, they develop shame. Shame says that it's not what I've done that's bad, it's me that's bad. I.Am.Bad. This becomes a habitual way of looking at oneself and is also the lens through which we see the world: all of it. It's like looking at everything, including our reflection in the mirror, with sunglasses on. The sunglasses create a filter through which we see the world. Shame creates a filter like that. So, in the illustration above, where I talk about how my shame filter twists my thoughts, the shame filter acts as mental sunglasses, shifting my view of the truth. In truth, I did well, but my "sunglasses" change my experience. That's the shame filter at work. It never lets us be content; like a race that with no goal line, it's always pushing us.
A Never-ending Search For "Better"
This can be a slippery slope. Of course, there should be nothing wrong with wanting "better," or self-improvement, right? Unfortunately, if I have a history of shame, performing as a means of elevating my self-worth is going to be a double-edged sword. The fuel that drives shame is negative. So, without even knowing it's a problem, I can get stuck in wanting so badly for my self to be worthwhile that I can't actually finish (or begin) a project until it's perfect. Moreover, I can begin to shame myself for not doing better. It is a baited thinking loop -- a snare. As a result of this loop, my unconscious will think, "anything less than perfect will not make me look better, it will make me look worse". And I become paralyzed. Heck, who needs THAT!?
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Where are you with procrastination in your life? Are you a "do it now"-er or a "I'll get around to it"-er? Are you seeing improvement in this area? Working on it? Would you like some helpful tips and information about conquering procrastination? Better yet -- do you have some helpful tips? What has worked for you? Drop me a comment and share the love!
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What has worked for you in conquering procrastination?
Drop me a comment below with some of your helpful tips and tricks!
I am 75 and have not conquered it yet. I could use some tips. i should be cleaning my house right now!!!
Hi, Lisbeth! What’s funny (not funny) is how I find that knowing what I should be doing “right now” and actually doing it are two different things. You know how to do the thing (in this case, cleaning); the problem is getting around yourself to move and do it “now.” Well, the two most valuable “kick procrastination to the curb” tips I can give you are ones that I use every day to get things done. Some days they motivate me more than others. The first one is, “You aren’t EVER gonna get it done by thinking about it.” And the second one is, “Do the next right thing — just that. One tiny little baby step thing toward your goal.” For that one, I look at what little morsel of the big task is right in front of me. Sometimes that is LITERALLY right in front of me, like taking my empty coffee cup into the kitchen. Or it might be getting up right now and emptying the dryer that has been beeping for 10 minutes (and then the next right thing is putting the clothes way…get it?). These two principles have been GOLD for me moving past my strong tendency to procrastinate. There’s another one that I don’t use as often as I should, which is, “if it is gonna take 5 minutes or less, don’t wait — do it immediately.” That’s a good one but I confess, it doesn’t always come to mind in the moment. Give these a try for a month and let me know how they help. I think you’ll be pleasantly surprised. Thanks so much for asking.